


What I Would Do

by orphan_account



Category: Wolf 359 (Radio)
Genre: Food, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-05
Updated: 2015-08-05
Packaged: 2018-04-13 03:31:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 597
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4506096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A plan is hatched. Or possibly, baked.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What I Would Do

(WRITER'S NOTE: The following takes place on day 646 of the Hephaestus mission)

BEGIN RECORDING:

 

HUSHED VOICES of HERA and HILBERT can be heard, muffled as though through a thick door. The door CLANGS open and the voices instantly cease. The door SLAMS shut. A food tray is DROPPED on a metal table.  
  
EIFFEL

You've been served! It's seaweed with seaweed sauce and - oh look - there's seaweed juice on the side! Enjoy your stay on the Starship Titanic and if you have any complaints about the service, feel free to get stuffed.

HILBERT

Always with the funny words, Eiffel. So amusing. Stay. We should talk.

EIFFEL

Are you going to tell us all the secret orders that Mr. Cutter gave you?

HILBERT

No.

EIFFEL

Are you going to tell us the real reason we're out here?

HILBERT

No.

EIFFEL

Are you going to tell me how to get the deadly virus out of my body?

(His voice RISES as he asks until he is YELLING.)

HILBERT

No. I have - proposal for you.

EIFFEL

I'm not interested.

(FOOTSTEPS as he walks to the door.)

HERA

Eiffel, wait. I think you should hear him out.

(Her voice GLITCHES as she says the word 'hear'.)

EIFFEL

Hera, have you gone all Manchurian Candidate on us? Since when do we listen to the mad scientist?

HILBERT

Hera has a problem. Minkowski does not help, you do not help, so she asks me for help. I can be very helpful.

EIFFEL

And what exactly is this problem that only Dr. Bunsen Honeydew can solve?

HERA

Lovelace wants to murder me.

(There is a pause. Eiffel makes a NOISE OF PROTEST.)

It didn't occur to you that if she blows up the Station, she blows me up with it? At least Hilbert can do basic mathematics.

(Her voice glitches several times as she speaks.)

EIFFEL

(Speaking more somberly than usual.)

No. It didn't.

(Upbeat again.)

So, what's the plan, Doc? How do we thwart our resident Commander Cain?

HILBERT

Very simple. I go to her ship, I disconnect nuclear weapons, I fly away. Lovelace is stuck, no weapons, no ship. Hera is safe. Is good plan.

EIFFEL

It's a terrible plan! Since when do we give controls of the nukes to the attempted murderer? Hera, are you sure that your software isn't glitching?

HERA

Eiffel, your biology is showing.

(She takes a DEEP BREATH and her voice calms).

With his technical skills, Hilbert has the best chance of shutting off the deadman's switch. We just have to get him to the ship without getting caught. Lovelace will expect me to try something, and she's watching Minkowski like a hawk, so we're out. But you're always coming up with plans that no normal human being even consider attempting. I'm sure you could figure out some scheme that's so impossibly, stupidly dangerous that Lovelace would never expect anyone to try it!

EIFFEL

I'm going to take that as a compliment. Besides, this plan you and Hilbert came up with is the worst idea anyone on this Station has had since I tried to brush my teeth with Plant Monster sap. At least that had a pleasantly minty flavour!

HERA

I thought you might be a bit reluctant, so Hilbert and I figured out something to sweeten the deal. Just in case saving my life wasn't important enough to you.

EIFFEL

Really? You have something that's going to make turning a nuclear weapon over to Doctor Death seem like a good idea?

HILBERT

I know where is hidden slice of pineapple and ham pizza.

RECORDING STOPS.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not sure if this is a one-off or is going to go into multiple chapters. Only time will tell!


End file.
